I Never Knew....

how much my mother loved me until I became a mother. As my first Mother's Day approaches I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be a mom.

I'll start from the beginning....growing up I always wanted to get married and have a family consisting of 2 children. As I got older and in college I began to question whether or not I wanted children. I didn't grow up around small children and I didn't babysit in high school. I never felt comfortable around children. In fact, I have never been the person to "ooh" and "awww" over babies and children. Other people's kids annoyed me. Because I never had that motherly instinct I questioned myself as a mother. I wasn't sure I had it in me.

Once I met and started dating Dustin, I knew I wanted a child. I still questioned myself all the time. Was I cut out to be a mom? Over the years that Dustin and I dated I saw him interact many times with his niece and nephews. It came naturally to him. He is fantastic with children. I then became insecure. He was so great with babies and children and I didn't know the first thing about babies. I did know one thing though, seeing him with children melted my heart. 

Once we got married we made a plan to enjoy our first year of marriage and we would start trying for a baby after our first anniversary. I was okay with that plan. After all, I still had a year and we could always change the plan. As our first anniversary approached I became nervous. I still remember the night that I took my last birth control pill. I remember my heart beating really fast. How could something like trying for a baby make me this nervous?

Dustin and I were very lucky in the fact that we tried a total of two months before becoming pregnant. We started trying in August and I found out on October 6, 2009 that I was pregnant. I was devastated in September when the pregnancy test turned up negative. I can't even imagine what women who struggle with infertility must go through. Once I got that positive pregnancy test I knew I was in for a ride. I was still nervous but I had 9 months to prepare and learn everything I could about babies and being a mother.

I was very excited to be pregnant but I was still insecure and nervous. I still questioned myself and prayed that I knew what I was doing. It was exciting to watch my tummy grow, see our baby via sonogram for the first time, find out he was a boy, decorate his nursery and feel him move for the first time. I knew I loved this little boy growing in my tummy but I never knew the amount of love I was capable of. 

I cried when he was born. I remember hearing him cry for the first time and the first time I laid eyes on him. I can't describe the emotions that were going through me that day. It changed me. From that day I have not been the same. I know now what it is like to love something so much that your heart feels like it is going to burst. I know now what it is like to love something so much that it brings tears to your eyes every time you think about it. I know now what it is like to love something so much it literally hurts. And most of all, I now fully understand just how much my mother loves me.

God granted me with the most precious miracle on this earth...a child. He must have believed in me even though I didn't. I am forever grateful to him and I thank him everyday for this blessing. This year Mother's Day means so much more to me. It is my prayer that all Mother's know how much they are loved, not just on Mother's Day but every day. Being a mother is not easy but it is the greatest journey in life. It is also my prayer that every woman who is struggling to become a mom knows just how much you are loved and that God is holding your hand. He has a plan for you.

I will leave you with this song. To me it sums up everything I feel about being a mother. I hope Grayson knows that he is never alone. God won't ever let go.

I Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts